Tackle & Grapple
Thinking about starting a company selling jeans that help bring out people’s insecurities and self doubts. I’ll call it “Jeans.”
- Please mistake my silence for “I’m busy.”
- I ask all my lady friends to say my name during sex. Nothing fancy. Just whisper it real low while he hits it from behind.
- “Can I call you right back?" is how I end boring conversations.
- I never feel the need to respond to a mass text.
- When my girl and I cum at the same time, I yell, “Jinx! You can’t talk til I say your name!" Then I go watch the game.
- English is the Hip Hop of languages; borrowing from everyone else, creating something beautifully assorted that few understand & love.
- Handjobs are the “Yield” signs of sexual favors.
- Some women find fellatio demeaning. I never look down on girls who suck dick. I usually have my eyes closed and my head tilt back.
Just made my microwave booty clap by speeding up one of my Al Green records.
It may be an unwritten rule that you must raise your fist like an evil warlord when you say the word “power” but it’s a rule none the less.
Robert De Niro accomplishes his best scenes by wearing super tight underwear and walking around with a rock in his shoe.
Better idea for an amusement park: Seven Flags.
Jack In The Box’s “Spin The Taco”
Ten years from now it should be much more clearer that Justin Bieber is the love child of Corey Haim and Corey Feldman.
The end all cure for hiccups: take a deep breath and hold it for thirty seconds then punch a dolphin in the taint.
Did I really have to put “wishes I was a cat, with a masters degree in existentialism” on my okcupid profile? Absolutely.